Internal Thoughts Of A Catastrophic Fool.

So here I am. Again.
Happy. Jaunty. Devil may care.
Because I've realised something over the last two days.
I'm not a burden and never will be. To toot my own horn I'm far too interesting.
My mind is like a puzzle that needs solving, the pieces not quite fitting together.
I thought I'd be gutted. I was for the whole of an hour but then I looked at shit realistically.

I am not ever gonna be 100% happy at the moment.
I can try but its not going to happen. I'll be like 95.5%.
I will always have lingering doubts over everything so I'm no good to anybody in this state.
My life goes on without me while I drink and drown in a sea of pointless pussy.

I had a dream last night. It was fucked up. She was in it. Not she. Another one.
They're all nameless to me. But I don't understand why this paticular woman was in it.
I've never met her before in my life. She's a good kisser though. In my dream of course.
Now I thought it was just a random dream. I'm used to them.
But if I dig beneath the surface I have a theory.
It doesn't take Freud to figure it out.
I have an affinity to unavailable women. Fucking great.

So now I must muse over which way to go. Do I choose my favoured route.
The "head down,get on with things" or do I go for broke and just drink and fuck whatever comes my way instead of backing out like I have in the past because of one tiny thing.
Maybe to much pubus, I was too tired or I just really didnt find her that attractive.
Fuck it we shall see.

It is funny though. Life.
It's full of so many twists and turns I've lost my touch with reality.
I don't know what's fantasy and what is real.
I wish to get lost in fantasy. Everything works for me and I can just sit back in my metaphorical armchair and relax.

But in this reality I lie in my bed alone. Bloodshot eyes, hungover and yet not entirely unhappy.
Life. The wonders. The mystique. Got to love it.
I am no longer chasing the dragon. It's not worth the effort.
Fuck.